Fifth grade I had a crush on Rex. He had a brown hair, rippling muscles, and he stood slightly taller than me. Every time I saw him, my heart fluttered. Rex was every fifth-grade girl's dream come true-including mine.Unfortunately, I had two small problems. One, I felt too scared to actually say anything more to Rex than a few words at a time. So I'd just gaze at him, hoping he'd look my way. Then when he actually did, I'd glance away in embarrassment. I didn't want him to know I liked him! The second problem? He had a girlfriend. My heart would sink every time I'd look in his direction and see him grinning at her or shooting her with love arrows. Every time I'd clinch my fists and vow not to like him.As I god older my confidence grew, and I initiated some conversations with Rex. But these sporadic talks only antagonized me more, because I never knew when we'd have another. Anyway, I'd fill my journal pages with whatever tiniest little interaction we had.Finally the intensity of my raw emotions reached a breaking point. I wrote a passionate poem to God, begging Him to take away my love for Rex. But God didn't seem to answer my prayer.Going to high school only slightly helped me gain control of my reckless emotions for Rex. I didn't see him as often. But my hidden love and admiration revealed itself in my daydreaming about him, and my frequent journal about wanting to go out with him.The climax came when I publicly confessed my love to him on a mission trip. And again, he had a girlfriend.ConsumedThroughout my high school years I allowed jealousy to eat me up from the inside out. I dowelled on my discontent and distrust of God to find me a boyfriend until it almost drove me insane. So I cried out to God, " Set me free from my prison of jealousy! Help me trust You more. Help me stop liking so many guys!" But at the same time, I rejected His promise to give me the on He thought was best. I didn't learn to be contented.At last when I was freshman in college, God showed me why He'd kept me single for so long. I wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. Plus, I wouldn't have made as many friends or grown up to trust and rely on God so tremendously had I been dating someone.God gave me a new start when I went away to college. Only one person knew me, my roommate. I gained confidence with guys through repeated prayers. And I made several good guy friends. Jealousy didn't leave me alone for very long, though.Role ReversalI was having a good time -- until I say envy oozing from every pore of Girlie's face as she watched me talking and laughing with the object of her intense desire, Victor.I dreaded running into her while I was with him. I could always feel her jealousy burning holes into my back as she passed . I couldn't help it that he and I got along so well. I couldn't stop going to class just so I wouldn't see him. Of course, it didn't help that I liked Victor too.Girlie even went as far as to write me a letter, warning me not to hurt Victor with my friendship. Now I was on the receiving end of a jealous attitude, and I didn't like it.Why, oh, why can't she be content with what God's given her? Why does she have to want what I have?My mind scrambled. Unfortunately, I chose a bad one: avoiding and ignoring her. I forced myself to be polite to Girlie when we were together, but my cool attitude was obvious. I didn't have peace, and I kept thinking, So this is what it feels like to be on jealousy's receiving end.Girlie helped me see how distrustful a jealous mind-set really is. I could see the tight chains it wove around her heart, and it caused me to do some serious thinking and praying.Girlie and I talked a few times during the school year about her jealousy of Victor's and my relationship. I shared with her my story of being jealous for years, and how I'd found it to be a self-destructive emotion.Girlie and my friendship made little progress, though, until we went on a mission trip together.On the trip, Girlie and I spent a lot of time talking, working, singing, and praying together. God humbled me and helped me see what a precious person Girlie really is. And when we stopped allowing to ruin a good relationship, we both finally experienced true freedom.With the bands of jealousy at last broken and put behind us, we opened up ourselves to a new relationship of deeper trust in a God who truly does know who and what is best for us. And on that mission trip Girlie and I built a lasting friendship that will continue throughout eternity.
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